2019.04.30 10:40
Why Self-Compassion Beats Self-Esteem
https://www.forbes.com/sites/carleysime/2019/04/30/why-self-compassion-beats-self-esteem/
2019.04.30 10:49
2019.04.30 11:37
Kristin Neff did not say much about the good or bad on self-esteem.
We, including myself, are always in a quandary between the choice of self-compassion and self-esteem.
In many instances, the two are not compatible, meaning one cannot have or enjoy both at the same time
and in the same situation. The two of them used to clash so often.
Looking back through my past, I frequently denied self-compassion in favor of self-esteem.
After retirement, I have become a much more self-compassionate person.
Even though those things made my life tougher, I am happy where I am now.
If I say like a philosopher, the self-compassion can be earned by disciplined self-esteem.
And, in the end, they complement each other and can happily exist together.
It took a long time though. I find myself approaching close to my 80s. ㅎ, ㅎ, ㅎ.
2019.04.30 11:48
This lecture by Kristin Neff does discuss the way different outcomes of
self- esteem, i.e. all the narcissistic behaviors of all the people and the bullies around us,
with Donald Trump leading the crowd of the kind.
She does clearly differentiate between self-esteem and self-compassion and
the different outcomes based on her research.
I complement your admirable self-observation and analysis, which demonstrates your wisdom.
My view is that the sooner one realizes this as Kristin did, the better it will be in all aspects of life
as pointed out by Kristin.
I'm trying to convey the same message to my eldest granddaughter, senior in college,
who has been a born perfectionist all her life since she was only two years of age.
2019.04.30 12:45
I have not heard of her lecture, but isn’t that self-compassion is one of many ways
to get self-esteem? How could one be happy without self-esteem?
2019.04.30 13:39
I think Kristin is dealing in a more detailed scholastic and psychological aspect of both.
Good or bad, self-compassion can be a hindrance to better self-esteem and vice versa.
Both can be compatible and cooperative but also can be against each other.
A person can have too much of the one side out of two.
Then it can get to be a problem.
2019.04.30 13:44
The lecture by Kristin Neff above is rather short and articulates the difference much better than I could.
I would rather have her answer your question, Dr. Ohn.
Kristin Neff got her Ph.D. at UC Berkeley and her boss is said to be the pioneer of self-esteem teaching.
Psychology is always fascinating and appealing.
Yet as a physician, I always feel that their knowledge reflects how little they know about our brain
so that they always sound fascinating and mind-boggling or often confusing.
In spite of all the sophisticated vocabularies by the psychologists,
they definitely do not have enough to describe the complex world of our brains.
2019.05.03 02:17
What is the difference between self pity and self compassion?
Heard a lot about 'compassionate care for others' but for oneself? Never heard of it!
Can anyone explain it more clearly?
Will remain,
BB Lee of '63 Class
2019.05.03 02:52
That is a good question. I will quote the words of Kristin Neffs words
in the below, who answered your question.
To read more on this topic, read Kristin’s article in Psychotherapy Networker on the five myths of self-compassion.
When individuals feel self-pity, they become immersed in their own problems and forget that others have similar problems. They ignore their interconnections with others, and instead feel that they are the only ones in the world who are suffering. Self-pity tends to emphasize egocentric feelings of separation from others and exaggerate the extent of personal suffering. Self-compassion, on the other hand, allows one to see the related experiences of self and other without these feelings of isolation and disconnection. Also, self-pitying individuals often become carried away with and wrapped up in their own emotional drama. They cannot step back from their situation and adopt a more balanced or objective perspective. In contrast, by taking the perspective of a compassionate other towards oneself, “mental space” is provided to recognize the broader human context of one’s experience and to put things in greater perspective. (“Yes it is very difficult what I’m going through right now, but there are many other people who are experiencing much greater suffering. Perhaps this isn’t worth getting quite so upset about…”)
Related article:
Does Self-Compassion Mean Letting Yourself Off the Hook?
Self-compassion is also very different from self-indulgence. Many people say they are reluctant to be self-compassionate because they’re afraid they would let themselves get away with anything. “I’m stressed out today so to be kind to myself I’ll just watch TV all day and eat a quart of icecream.” This, however, is self-indulgence rather than self-compassion. Remember that being compassionate to oneself means that you want to be happy and healthy in the long term. In many cases, just giving oneself pleasure may harm well-being (such as taking drugs, over-eating, being a couch potato), while giving yourself health and lasting happiness often involves a certain amount of displeasure (such as quitting smoking, losing weight, exercising). People are often very hard on themselves when they notice something they want to change because they think they can shame themselves into action – the self-flagellation approach. However, this approach often backfires if you can’t face difficult truths about yourself because you are so afraid of hating yourself if you do. Thus, weaknesses may remain unacknowledged in an unconscious attempt to avoid self-censure. In contrast, the care intrinsic to compassion provides a powerful motivating force for growth and change, while also providing the safety needed to see the self clearly without fear of self-condemnation.
Related article: Is it Self-Indulgent to Be Self-Compassionate?
Although self-compassion may seem similar to self-esteem, they are different in many ways. Self-esteem refers to our sense of self-worth, perceived value, or how much we like ourselves. While there is little doubt that low self-esteem is problematic and often leads to depression and lack of motivation, trying to have higher self-esteem can also be problematic. In modern Western culture, self-esteem is often based on how much we are different from others, how much we stand out or are special. It is not okay to be average, we have to feel above average to feel good about ourselves. This means that attempts to raise self-esteem may result in narcissistic, self-absorbed behavior, or lead us to put others down in order to feel better about ourselves. We also tend to get angry and aggressive towards those who have said or done anything that potentially makes us feel bad about ourselves. The need for high self-esteem may encourage us to ignore, distort or hide personal shortcomings so that we can’t see ourselves clearly and accurately. Finally, our self-esteem is often contingent on our latest success or failure, meaning that our self-esteem fluctuates depending on ever-changing circumstances.
In contrast to self-esteem, self-compassion is not based on self-evaluations. People feel compassion for themselves because all human beings deserve compassion and understanding, not because they possess some particular set of traits (pretty, smart, talented, and so on). This means that with self-compassion, you don’t have to feel better than others to feel good about yourself. Self-compassion also allows for greater self-clarity, because personal failings can be acknowledged with kindness and do not need to be hidden. Moreover, self-compassion isn’t dependent on external circumstances, it’s always available – especially when you fall flat on your face! Research indicates that in comparison to self-esteem, self-compassion is associated with greater emotional resilience, more accurate self-concepts, more caring relationship behavior, as well as less narcissism and reactive anger.
2019.05.03 06:40
Wow, learn every day, buddy.
Thanks
BB LEE
2019.05.03 12:15
However, having learned and knowing all those things won't make your and our life any easier.
We will be still lost in the maze of the darn compassion, esteem, pity, or indulgence and whatever.
At my age, I just like to stick to the business of self-compassion if I can.
Hopefully, by that, I try to make life easier and get older a bit slowly !!
While giving ourselves some compassion, why not give some compassion to our friend, Donald?
He really needs it. ㅎ, ㅎ, ㅎ.
Kristin Neff is an expert advocate for self-compassion, and
this article introduces us to her teaching.
Certainly our personal suffering needs to be cared for.
I like her philosophy very much.
My wife just ordered her book via Amazon, which happens to be
the last one available.
Kristin Neff, PhD, is an associate professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas at Austin. She’s author of Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself and the 6 CD audio set Self-Compassion Step by Step. In conjunction with Chris Germer, she’s developed an empirically supported training program and offers workshops on self-compassion. To learn more about self-compassion, including videos, exercises, guided meditations, research articles, and the self-compassion test, go to self-compassion.org. Contact: kneff@austin.utexas.edu.