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General We need some more laughs

2010.12.01 05:46

Sukjoo#65 Views:7840

We need some more laughs







*1. Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”


*2. The Pope Wants to Drive
After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel lightly),
the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today"
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?"
protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver,
but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches,
but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief,"Who is it?"Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"


*3. This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off:
“Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning,
I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says:
“Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”


*4. How to Get Into Heaven
A man dies and mets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. Peter says to the man, "Here's how it works.
You need to have one hundred points to get into heaven. You tell me about all the good things you've done. They are all worth a certain number of points. If your total is one hundred or more, you can come in."
"Well," says the man. "I was happily married to the same woman for 52 years.
I never looked at another woman. I was attentive and loved her dearly."
"That's great," says St. Peter. "That'll be two points."
"Hmmm," says the man. "This is going to be harder than I thought.
Well, I attended church regularly, volunteered my time and tithed faithfully."
"Wonderful," says St. Peter, "That's worth another point."
"One point!" says the man. "Okay, okay. I was involved with a prison ministry for twenty-five years.
I went into the prison, at least monthly, and shared Jesus with them."
"Wow!" says St. Peter. "That's another two points!"
"Only two points!" says the man. "At this rate, it'll be only by the grace of God that'll I'll ever get into this place."
"Bingo!" says St. Peter. "That's one hundred points! Come on in."


*5. Dollar Bills
There were two old dollar bills. One was a $100 dollar bill and the other was a $1 dollar bill. The $100 dollar bill said,
"I've lived a good life. I've been to the amusement park, the theater, the zoo and baseball games."
"Wow," said the $1 dollar bill. "You sure have had a good life."
"Where have you been?" asked the $100 dollar bill.
"Oh, I've been to a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Lutheran church and an Episcopal church."
The $100 bill said, "What's a church?"


* 6. Liquid, Fragile or Perishable?
When a woman decided to send the old family Bible to her brother in another state,
the postal worker asked her if there was anything breakable in the package. "Only the Ten Commandments," she replied.


*7. 등대지기
등대불을 밝히려던 등대지기는 통통배를 타고 오는 우편집배원을 보았다.
집배원은 등대지기에게 편지 한 통을 전하면서 온갖 짜증을 내며 불평했다.

"기껏 편지 한통 배달하느라 기차타고 배 타고 오는데 꼬박 하루 걸려 이 섬에 도착했소.
이 점에 대해 어찌 생각하시오?"

가만히 듣고 있던 등대지기는 조용한 목소리로 한마디 했다.
"당신 자꾸 투덜거리면 일간신문 구독할 꺼야"






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