To SNUMA Website Members-- Webmaster

I have carefully selected following jokes from "Readers Digest Online News" for our eminent physician members. Whether or not you have understood the punch line, if you don't crack a few smiles while reading, you may get fired as a homepage member.

Airlines Counter-- Kate Vetter, St. Louis, Missouri

It was the standard series of check-in questions that every traveler gets at the airlines counter, including, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
"If it was put there without my knowledge," I asked, "how would I know?"
The agent behind the counter smiled smugly. "That's why we ask."

Vanity Plate-- Michelle Apostoludias

I had ordered vanity plates to go with my very first car and proudly did the installation myself. When I finished, my father came outside and asked, "Why'd you put only one on?"

"Because that's all the state sent me," I replied.

"Is that right?" Dad said with a grin. Kneeling down, he quickly undid the screws and slid a fingernail along the edge of the plate, separating it from the one underneath. The name on my personal plate? "DITZ E 2."

Firefighter-- Tim Tuinstra, Sparta, Mich.

There was a fire in my neighborhood, and I arrived just in time to see firefighters carry one of their men out of the burning house and lower him to a sitting position on the lawn. Visibly shaken, he took out a cigarette, lit it and sat there puffing on it to calm his nerves. "What happened to that poor guy?" I asked a bystander.

"Smoke inhalation," he replied.

Birthday-- Mona Turrell

My friend and I were celebrating our 40th birthday the same year. As a gag gift, I gave her a CD by the band UB40. For my birthday, she retaliated with a CD as well. The group? U2.

Gift Registry-- Rumesa Khalid

Bob, age 92, and Mary, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. While out for a stroll to discuss the wedding they pass a drugstore. Bob suggests they go in.

Bob asks to speak to the pharmacist. He explains they're about to get married, and asks, "Do you sell heart medication?"
"Of course we do," the pharmacist replies.
"Medicine for rheumatism?"
"Definitely," he says.
"How about Viagra?"
"Of course."
"Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
"Yes, the works."
"What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antacids?" 
"Absolutely."
"Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
"All speeds and sizes."
"Good," Bob says to the pharmacist. "We'd like to register for our wedding gifts here, please."

Grammar Lesson-- Gail Brown

Driving my car one afternoon, I rolled through a stop sign. I was pulled over by a police officer, who recognized me as his former English teacher.

"Mrs. Brown," he said, "those stop signs are periods, not commas."

Washing Machine-- Jerri Boyer

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

"University of Oklahoma," he yelled back.

On Retirement Time-- Donald Reichert

Retirement is the best thing that has happened to my brother-in-law.

"I never know what day of the week it is," he gloated. "All I know is, the day the big paper comes, I have to dress up and go to church."

Usual Suspect-- Morrison Lewis, Jr.

While prosecuting a robbery case, I conducted an interview with the arresting officer. My first question: "Did you see the defendant at the scene?"

"Yes, from a block away," the officer answered.
"Was the area well lit?"
"No. It was pretty dark."
"Then how could you identify the defendant?" I asked, concerned.
Looking at me as if I were nuts, he answered,
"I'd recognize my cousin anywhere."

Coastal Town Names -- topfive.com

Concerned about what will happen to cities if the polar ice caps melt? Don't be. New names have already been chosen.

Atlantis City, New Jersey
Pariscope, France
Sail 'Em, Massachusetts
Floodelphia, Pennsylvania
Helsunki, Finland
Sao Marco ... Paulo, Brazil

Unfamiliar

Today, while playing "20 Questions" with my friend, I asked, "Monsters or aliens?" She gave it some thought, then responded, "Well, I've never actually met a monster, so I'm going to have to go with aliens."

Into the Church

Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.

The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in.

Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.

One Stinky Promise-- J. W. Bradford

On the back of a septic-service company truck:
"Satisfaction guaranteed, or your merchandise cheerfully refunded."

Airline Fees

With airlines adding fees to fees, The Week magazine asked its readers to predict the next surcharge they'll levy for something previously free.

1. In the unlikely event of loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down. To start the flow of oxygen, simply insert your credit card …

2. $100 On-Time Departure Fee; $25 Delay Complaint Fee.

3. View seating (formerly window seats), $10; Access seating (formerly aisle seats), $10;  $20 to use roll-away stairs to enter or exit the aircraft in lieu of no-charge rope-ladder alternative.

4. $9 fee for bumping your head on the overhead bin as you take your seat; $3 additional penalty for looking up at the bin after you bump into it.

Rubbed the Wrong Way-- Eileen Gaskin

I was halfway through a meeting with a photocopy salesman, when he suddenly mentioned his wife and children, and how contented he was. I was puzzled, but let him continue. It was only when I glanced down that I understood his reason for imparting this personal information: The table leg against which I had been rubbing my itchy foot wasn't a table leg at all!

Infantry-- Taeven Thompson

While on leave, my Marine buddy and I met two nursing students from Southern California. After chatting them up awhile, the conversation turned to what we did in the service. When we told them we were in the infantry, the girls seemed very impressed, giving us big smiles as they told us how sweet that was. Since infantry and sweet are seldom used in the same sentence, I was a little confused. Until, that is, one of the girls said, "We admire any man who works with infants."

Government Green-- Bruce Herman

I was charged by the Coast Guard to buy a house near Station Rockland in Maine to be converted into military housing. But after many delays on our part, the owners' lawyer got antsy.

"I don't like working with the government," the man said. "I'm not sure I'd even trust one of your checks."

"I wouldn't worry," I replied. "Not only do we print our own checks, we also print the money to back them up."

Frustrated Words-- John Gillis

My friend and I delivered a large refrigerator to the local priest's home. With difficulty we had managed to get the fridge into the porch, but struggled for over 20 minutes to make the 90-degree turn through the narrow door. The priest, seeing our difficulty, asked what we usually did when confronted with such a situation.

Rubbing some badly skinned knuckles, I replied, "Well, Father, at this point we usually start cursing."

"Well, gentlemen," Father replied, "allow me time to move out of earshot so you can continue your work."

Dentist-- William Macauley

In the courtroom where I worked as a court reporter, a dentist was called as a witness. He took the oath a few feet from my desk, and I noticed his upraised arm was trembling, apparently from nervousness. After he finished, I couldn't resist saying softly, "Sit down, Doctor. This won't hurt a bit."

Overseas Help-- Clinton Myrick

Days after we invaded Marja, Afghanistan, one of my Marines found out his wife hadn't paid the cell phone bill. He called the company and asked how he could settle up.

"You can go to Western Union and place a money order," the billing agent told him.

"Ma'am, I'm in Marja, Afghanistan," he explained. "We don't have Western Unions."

"No problem. You can also go to Walmart."

Musical Dummy-- Quincy Wong

My musical director wasn't happy with the performance of one of our percussionists. Repeated attempts to get the drummer to improve failed. Finally, in front of the orchestra, the director said in frustration, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument, they take it away, give him two sticks and make him a drummer!"

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor." 

Dark Room-- Sally Phillips

On a nighttime visit to his brother’s base, my son Joe was impressed by the large airplane hangar in which Billy worked. But when Billy led him through another door, Joe was absolutely astounded by the massive, darkened room.

"This is the largest building I’ve ever been in!" he said. "What do you call it?"

His brother answered, "The outside."

Guest Service-- Simon W. Albright

I was manning the register at a busy Italian restaurant when a customer walked up with his check, totaling $14.92. "That's when Columbus discovered America," he commented.

"You don't really believe that, do you?" I responded. "I mean, the Native Americans were here long before he showed up." We continued in this vein for several minutes.

Meanwhile, a line had begun to form. After my customer left, the next patron in line came up to my counter and impatiently asked me what was going on. "Oh, we were talking about historical events," I said.

"Well, then," said the irritated customer, "can you tell me what happened the year I started waiting in line?"

Rooting for the Other Team-- Janet Thompson

About to have a blood test, I nervously waited while the nurse tightened a tourniquet around my arm. "I understand you're from Oklahoma," she said. "Are you a Sooners fan?"

"Absolutely!" I replied.

"Well," she continued as she raised the needle, "this may hurt a little. I'm from Nebraska."

Truth or not-- Kurt Smith

Four students walked in halfway through the American history test my father was giving at the local community college. "Sorry," they said, "we had a flat tire."

An understanding man, Dad said that if they could all answer just one question correctly, he would give them each an A for the exam. The students agreed. So my father placed them in four separate corners of the room and handed each one a piece of paper. Then he said, "Write down which tire was flat."