Mental Hospital-- Christopher Dietz

Early in my career as a judge, I conducted hearings for those involuntarily committed to our state psychiatric hospital. On my first day, I asked a man at the door of the hospital, "Can you tell me where the courtroom is?"

"Why?" he asked.

"I'm the judge."

Pointing to the building, he whispered, "Don't tell them that. They'll never let you out."
 

Reaching Back-- Donald Geiser

During a visit with my mother, who was in the hospital, I popped into the cafeteria for breakfast. I set a piece of bread on the moving toaster rack and waited for it to return golden brown. Instead, it got stuck all the way in the back. When I couldn't reach it, the woman in line next to me took control of the situation. Seizing a pair of tongs, she reached in and deftly fished out the piece of toast. "You must be an emergency-room worker," I joked.

"No," she said, "an obstetrician."

Deadly Response-- Jason Surow

The voice-dictation program a physician friend of mine purchased for his computer often misinterpreted words. Once, my friend dictated, "Recommend CAT scan if symptoms persist."

The program typed out, "Recommend casket if symptoms persist."

Wrong Patient-- Patsy R. Dancey

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet—who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

Constant Congestion-- Charles Freed

A customer walked into my pharmacy asking for a particular nasal spray. "You know, that brand is very addicting," I warned her. "If it's used for a prolonged period of time, your congestion can come back worse than before, prompting even further use."

"That's ridiculous," scoffed the woman. "I've been using it every day for years."

Genius-- Barbara Givens

As a dental hygienist, I had a family come in one day for cleanings. By the time I was ready for the father, he informed me I had a lot to live up to. His six-year-old daughter kept commenting that a "very smart lady" was cleaning their teeth today.

The father said she kept going on about my intelligence until he finally had to ask what she was basing her opinion on.

The little girl replied, "I heard people in here call her the Dental High Genius."

Beautiful Nurse-- Matthew Hutchinson

My nursing colleague was preparing an intravenous line for a 15-year-old male patient. The bedside phone rang, and the boy's mother reached over to pick it up. After talking for a few minutes, the mother held the phone aside, turned to her son and said, "Your dad is asking if you've got any cute nurses."

The boy gazed at the nurse, who had the needle poised above his arm, ready for insertion. "Tell him," he replied, "they're absolutely gorgeous."

Yummy Giveaway-- Roseanne L. Barnett

I was in a department store when I heard on the public-address system that the optical department was offering free ice cream. I headed down the escalator to take advantage of the offer, trying to decide on vanilla or chocolate. I was nearly drooling when I got to the optical section and said to the clerk, "I'm here for my ice cream."

"Ice cream?" came the reply. "Sorry. What we have is a free eye screening."

Aging Recovery-- Frances M. Krueger

I was hospitalized with an awful sinus infection that caused the entire left side of my face to swell. On the third day, the nurse led me to believe that I was finally recovering when she announced excitedly, "Look, your wrinkles are coming back!"

Prescription Reading-- Tony Belmonte

Our nephew was getting married to a doctor's daughter. At the wedding reception, the father of the bride stood to read his toast, which he had scribbled on a piece of scrap paper. Several times during his speech, he halted, overcome with what I assumed was a moment of deep emotion. But after a particularly long pause, he explained, "I'm sorry. I can't seem to make out what I've written down." Looking out into the audience, he asked, "Is there a pharmacist in the house?"

Unattractive-- Matt Slot

We brought our newborn son, Adam, to the pediatrician for his first checkup. As he finished, the doctor told us, "You have a cute baby."

Smiling, I said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."

"No," he replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."

"So what do you say to the others?" I asked.

"He looks just like you."

Quitting Time-- Denny McCarthy

Years of smoking finally caught up with my friend John one morning when he keeled over at work, clutching his heart. He was rushed to a hospital and peppered with questions.

"Do you smoke?" asked a paramedic.

"No," John whispered. "I quit."

"That"s good. When did you quit?"

"Around 9:30 this morning."

Experts? -- Genieve Markovci

While working as a radiologic technologist in a hospital emergency room, I took X rays of a trauma patient. I brought the films to our radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis. "What happened to this patient?" he asked in astonishment.

"He fell out of a tree," I reported.

The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree. "I'm not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Asplundh Tree Experts."

Gazing intently at the X rays, the radiologist blinked and said, "Cross out 'experts.' "

Changing Tatoo-- Ron Norris

As an obstetrician, I sometimes see unusual tattoos when working in labor and delivery. One patient had some type of fish tattoo on her abdomen. "That sure is a pretty whale," I commented.

With a smile she replied, "It used to be a dolphin."

Switching Views-- George Just

While walking through a Dallas airport, my dentist ran into a group of folks from his hometown. Among them was one of his patients. When he said hello, she gave him a curious look, saying he looked familiar but she could not quite place him.

"Lean back and look up at me," he suggested. She did. "Oh! Dr. Harrison!"

Hunting Season-- Nancy P. Donner

A group of Alaskan housewives had gotten together for morning coffee and, since several of us were pregnant, the talk drifted to babies and doctors.

One of the women announced that she was now going to a woman doctor. "At least," she said, "I'll be able to depend on my doctor being around during moose season!"

Emergency-- Nichole Steward

My mom, a nurse, was having an insane evening in the emergency room. First, a woman who had delivered her baby in a car was rushed in. Next was a man carrying a lifeless body yelling, "Help me!" In the middle of all this, a patient escaped from the psychiatric ward, tore off her clothes and went running through the halls naked. During a lull, Mom called home. "You wouldn't believe the night I'm having," she said to my dad.

"Can't talk now," he interrupted. "I'm watching ER."

Reeled In-- Marion O'Leary

A friend of mine was working as a nurse in a West Australian coastal town when a tourist came into the medical center with a fishhook lodged deep in his hand. Since it was the weekend, my friend had to summon the doctor from home.

The tourist was dismayed to see that the doctor was young, had long hair and wore sandals and a very casual shirt. "You don't look much like a doctor to me," he said dubiously.

The doctor examined the hook in the tourist's hand and responded, "And you don't look much like a fish to me."

Finding the Cure-- Steven Zhang

As I left my office at the National Cancer Institute, I passed one of our researchers by the front door puffing away on a cigarette.
"How can you smoke when you, of all people, know the harm caused by cigarettes?" I asked.
He took another draw, exhaled, and replied through the smoke, "Because it gives me more motivation to find a cure."

Better Job-- David Paul Reuwer

After practicing law for several months, I was talking with my brother, John, a doctor. "My work is so exciting," I said. "People come into my office, tell me their problems and pay me for my advice."

As older brothers will, John took the upper hand. "You know," he said, "in my work, people come into my office, tell me their problems, take off all their clothes and then pay me for my advice."

Bad Teeth-- Cheryl Pace Satterwhite

On the Job as a dental receptionist, I answered the phone and noticed on the caller-ID screen that the incoming call was from an auto-repair shop. The man on the line begged to see the dentist because of a painful tooth. "Which side of your mouth hurts?" I asked the patient. He sighed and answered, "The passenger side."

Scary Moment-- Robert Porter, Wilmington, Del.

The cardiologist at the ER had bad news for me: "You're going to need a pacemaker." Later, the nurse filling out the admission form began to ask me the standard questions: "Have you ever had mumps, measles?" etc. Seeing how upset I was, she put down the clipboard and took my hand. "Don't worry," she said soothingly. "This kind of heart problem is easily fixed, and your life will be much better as a result." I felt reassured until she continued: "Do you have a living will?"

Birth Control-- Vicki L. Bailey

My husband had been stationed in Europe and away from home for what seemed like years when I went for my annual gynecological checkup. My doctor asked the usual questions, including what I was using for birth control. I gave the only possible response I could: "The Atlantic Ocean."

The Bracelet-- Eilene Cook

As I was admitted to the hospital prior to a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist, saying, "I'm going to give you a bracelet."

"Has it got rubies and diamonds?" I asked coyly.

"No," he said. "But it costs just as much."

All Possible Outcomes-- Lawrence Marq Goldberg

At the dentist's office for oral surgery, I was handed a couple of forms to fill out. As I signed the first one, I joked with the receptionist: "Does this say that even if you pull my head completely off, I can't sue you?"

"No, that's the next sheet," she said. "This one says you still have to pay us."

Sharp Objects-- Paula Fontaine

Employed as a dental receptionist, I was on duty when an extremely nervous patient came for root-canal surgery. He was brought into the examining room and made comfortable in the reclining dental chair. The dentist then injected a numbing agent around the patient's tooth, and left the room for a few minutes while the medication took hold.

When the dentist returned, the patient was standing next to a tray of dental equipment. "What are you doing by the surgical instruments?" asked the surprised dentist.

Focused on his task, the patient replied, "I'm taking out the ones I don't like."

No Problem?-- Florence Crumley

One diagnostic-imaging center claims that its high-tech medical procedures are second to none. The center's newspaper advertisement proclaimed, CT Colonoscopy: No Scope, No Sedation, No Recovery.

Clipboard Notes-- William D.J. Murphy

Ever wonder what medical personnel scribble on those clipboards attached to the foot of the bed? Here are some incredible comments taken from hospital charts:

"The patient refused autopsy."

"The patient has no previous history of suicides."

"She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night."

"She is numb from her toes down."

"Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."

"Discharge status: Alive but without my permission." 

Subject to Replacement-- Adrian Urias

Proofreading an instruction manual for a hospital ventilator, I did a double take when I came across this questionable troubleshooting tip: "If the problem persists, replace patient immediately."

Baby's Name-- Wendy Reynolds

When I was on duty in the maternity ward, one of my patients was a woman who was having her first child. Because of her medical situation, she had to undergo a cesarean procedure. After the operation, I handed her the newborn child and declared, "Congratulations! You have a healthy baby boy."

Still a little groggy from the anesthesia, she responded, "That's great. What's his name?"

Switching Spots-- Rebecca Woodworth

Throughout her pregnancy, my sister Joanne insisted that she wanted no medication during labor. When the big day came, though, she wondered if she had made the right decision.

Knowing my sister's stance on drugs, the midwife did everything else to ease Joanne's pain. "You look uncomfortable," she said at one point. "Would you like to change positions?"

"Yes," Joanne replied. "I want to be the midwife!"

Too Much Information-- Alan Roberts

 My wife was in her gynecologist's busy waiting room when a cell phone rang. A woman answered it, and for the next few minutes, she explained to her caller in intimate detail her symptoms and what she suspected might be wrong.

Suddenly the conversation shifted, and the woman said, "Him? That's over." Then she added, "Can we talk about this later? It's rather personal, and I'm in a room full of people."

My mother has tried her hand at several careers, some even concurrently. Imagine the surprise of both a hospital patient and my mom when the patient awoke after surgery and, upon seeing who her nurse's aide was, yelled, "What are you doing? You're the woman who helped me pick out interior paint colors!"

Too Early to call-- Cheryl Sackler

As a veterinarian, I was called at home in the middle of the night by a woman in distress. She had swallowed her dog's heart worm pill by mistake. I knew it wouldn't harm her, but by law, I'm forbidden to give medical advice. "If your dog had swallowed your pill, then you'd call me," I explained. "In this case, you really should consult with your own physician."

"But it's one in the morning!" she exclaimed. "I can't wake my doctor."

Frame of Reference-- Georgeana Pilcher

When my 88-year-old mother was called for jury duty, she had to submit to questioning by the opposing lawyers.

"Have you ever dealt with an attorney?" asked the plaintiff's lawyer.

"Yes. I had an attorney write my living trust," she responded.

"And how did that turn out?"

"I don't know," she said. "Ask me when I'm dead."

Tax Time-- Donna Bell

Tax day -- April 15 -- was looming when an elderly woman showed up at my desk at the IRS. She said she required a thick stack of tax forms. "Why so many?" I asked.

"My son is stationed overseas," she said. "He asked me to pick up forms for the soldiers on the base."

"You shouldn't have to do this," I told her. "It's the base commander's job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need."

"I know," said the woman. "I'm the base commander's mother."

Liar Liar-- Macey Levin

As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery case, I was sitting in a courtroom, answering questions from both sides. The assistant district attorney asked such questions as: Had I ever been mugged? Did I know the victim or the defendant?

The defense attorney took a different approach, however. "I see you are a teacher," he said. "What do you teach?"

"English and theater," I responded.

"Then I guess I better watch my grammar," the defense attorney quipped.

"No," I shot back. "You better watch your acting."

When the laughter in the courtroom died down, I was excused from the case.

Bringing Back the Old Days-- Brenda McMillen

Heading off to college at the age of 40, I was a bit self-conscious about my advancing years. One morning I complained to my husband that I was the oldest student in my class.

"Even the teacher is younger than I am," I said.

"Yeah, but look at it from my point of view," he said optimistically. "I thought my days of fooling around with college girls were over."

Being Honest-- Amy Bennett

Overheard in a ladies' fitting room: "Honestly, do these pants make my rear end look big?" "Honestly? Your rear end makes the pants look big."

Funeral Home-- Bruce Smith

My boss had his hands full running a funeral parlor and raising two rowdy preteen boys. Preparing for a funeral one day, he found the hearse plastered with police department stickers, courtesy of his sons. He frantically scraped the stickers off before his clients could read what they said: "Bring Them Back Alive."

The Difference Between an Optimist and a Pessimist-- Suzan Wiener

"What's the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?" I asked my husband. He thought for a minute before responding, "An optimist is the guy who created the airplane. A pessimist is the guy who created the parachute."

Looking Good-- Jim Brading

Even at age 88, my mother was vain about her looks. At a party, an old friend exclaimed, "Edith, you haven't changed in 20 years."

"Oh," said Mom, horrified. "I hope I didn't look like this 20 years ago."

Car Inspection-- A. J. Remes, Charlotte, N.C.

I had moved to South Carolina from New York, and at that time a vehicle inspection was required to register my car. I was nervous; my car was in rough shape. I thought of New York State's rigorous inspections. Any number of problems might turn up that would be expensive to fix. I drove down a country road and found a garage that had an inspection sign. When I told the mechanic what I needed, he circled the car, turned on the lights and honked the horn. Then he attached a new sticker and asked me for the three-dollar fee. I was shocked. "Is that all you have to do?" I asked.

He answered, "Well, you drove it here, didn't you?"

The Missing Shoe-- Joan Feldman

One evening my husband's golfing buddy drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

Later that night my husband's friend and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car. With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.

"Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"

Dressing the Part-- Joe Kulakowski

Before my son could start going on job interviews, he needed to dress the part. That, he decided, required a $500 suit.

"What!?" I answered, gagging at the price tag. "I've bought cars for $500!"

"That's why I want the $500 suit," he said. "So I don't have to drive $500 cars."

             All Data from Readers Digest Online News